(get the hell away from me)

yeah, i DID file that under food porn.

via a rake at the gates of hell.

About a week back I was drinking heavily pontificating the atrocities of fast food late one night after watching a fast food show on Food Network.  I dully recalled something in the distant past about vegetarians who are in love with McDonalds but are left with little option for stepping into that barnyard and standing at the beloved trough of grease, jostling for a spot amongst fellow swine in order to deep throat that foot-long coney.

Like a star navigating shepherds in the night,  the memory shone brighter and brighter and has finally culminated in this, at best a sloppy post teaching you how to order “off the menu”.  Obviously this topic has been recorded hundreds of thousands of times but if anything it is more than a guide for obesity or what some sick bastard would consider an American pastime, in fact this is a tour of the American digestive tract……..disturbing indeed; the enthusiasm in which these vile  concoctions listed below are idolized over, delighted over like a newborn child never before seen by its giddy grandparents…a first car not yet driven alone…..or in my case…that hot catholic girlfriend I never got to kiss when I was a kid. Her name was Marlene. Her father raced cars and drank cheap beer in his garage all the time. I was 16 when I took her out alone for the first time, we had an afternoon date and I was driving my Mustang that was more car than anyone ever needs at that age……I didnt know shit about it except it was loud, fast and the girls liked it.  I was ready for him to kick my ass that day and then head home bloodied and indignant yet when he saw that ride, nothing mattered. I wasnt cool, but my car was and I dont think he even remembered why I came by the time I left.  He was a bastard but I admired him for it. I grew up in a prim home, dry…a place where the garage wasnt for throwing back a few beers and giving punks a hard time for taking out your daughter…My home was a quiet maternal home, and that time I told you all I was raised by feral rats in a sewer and rose to glory upon exiting that very sewer so many years back….for that I haveno comment. So we begin our tour, a taste in our collective mouths worse than the “meat square” from Wendys that no one talks about, or the chicken mcnugget shake that lives in its own shadowy places online, so shadowy in fact that I couldnt find anything credible enough to put out here for you today…and god knows if it isnt credible, it isnt good enough for us. Enjoy brethren and sistern, if that is what you are to be called….

I expect you to learn from your tour and if you know of something more than this, I expect to see it in the comment section. If you try any of these out….I expect to see it in the comment section and remember you can always comment anonymously (in case you consume any burgers listed below) but I know my flock…..hide your style or I will call you out. And now I give you, items not on the regular menu:

*delving into ordering off the menu, I see everything about anything for Jamba Juice so rather than put iut all out here I will just throw this from Yelp, seems to
cover the bases well.  Loads more info everywhere, have fun hunting.

*starbucks will give you a black eye. Everything about Starbucks is whats wrong with this country but the secret menu I heard about last week was enough to make me go through the Ellensburgshop and give it a try. I got a redeye no problem…..I also got high as a kite. Also fun. Drink aka “depth charge” and “shot in the dark”  and “JFK”.
The Marble Mocha Macchiato. It’s a mocha with a layer of white, milk, and dark chocolate syrups. The flavor changes as you drink it! It’s delicious and every starbucks I’ve asked for it at has made it though it’s not on the menu.

*Wendy’s – The Grand Slam. If the single, double, or triple hamburgers at Wendy’s just doesnt cut it for you, just go all out and order the massive four-patty grand slam. Also known as the Classic Quadruple or The Meat Cube.
Don’t forget the Barnyard from Wendy’s. Spicy chicken breast, ham, bacon, and beef with cheese between each layer.

*Subway – The Pizza Sub. Apparently this one’s like sasquatch. Good luck.

*i dont go to McDonalds at all but everyone else does. It appears they will haplessly accept competitor coupons regardless the item or amount. Go forth and terrorize. You can also get Big Mac sauce for your fries if your in the mood to die young. If that wont kill you then get your Big Mac with Q.P. patties. Even gnarlier.

McEvidence here. Check the store location on the reciept.
The Big MacChicken is a Big Mac with McChicken patties replacing the bun.  Allegedly: McDonald’s serves a litte thing called a “McDizzle” which is a McChicken patty surrounded by two cheeseburger patties which are in turn surrounded by two buns.

*Of course I have to mention In n Out Burger    Another favorite secret item at In-n-Out is the Flying Dutchman. This one will really get an older associate excited to make your order too as it’s a rare order. It’s a cheese and grilled onion sandwich with the burger patties for the “bread”. They serve it in the paper sleave no lettuce, no bun.

now go get fat.